Be like the bluebird

Last night I went to a free sneak preview of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. In case you were wondering, “the Fallen” doesn’t actually refer to the Decepticons that fell into the Laurentian abyss because that would make too much sense. Instead, it refers to some enigmatic figure in a positively convoluted plot that just doesn’t quite mesh with movie number one. Add some explosions and you’ve got yourself a a terrible, terrible sequel.

Needless to say, I was highly disappointed by the whole experience.

A random sampling of the items that upset me most in the Transformers sequel, including some minor spoilers:

• Overabundance of characters. Pretty much every new character that was introduced for this movie (and there were plenty) was absolutely unnecessary, and, is typical of Michael Bay movies, completely annoying. They even made Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox seem tolerable by comparison.
• Even the robots were annoying. New Autobot and Decepticon characters that, judging from their accents and behaviors, apparently came from Cybertron’s versions of NYC and London. Questionable.
• And you thought Asians all looked the same. I had a tough time distinguishing Decepticons in the original, but there were like a hundred gillion more in this movie. Those robots need some more diversity in their gene pool (if that’s even how it works for them).
• Dialogue written by frat boys. Since when did giant alien robots start calling people “pussy” and so forth? Enough with the trite one-liners plz kthx.
• Plot holes galore. Aside from the aforementioned aliens-with-British-accents issue, there were plenty of militaristic and technological fallacies that would confuse even your grandma.

The moral of the story? Bigger is definitely not always better, and http://explosionsandboobs.com, you should probably stop looking for a studio to buy that script based on your website cause we’ve seen it done, and it didn’t turn out so hot.

(For the record, this negative review comes from a good place. For all of its many, many, abundant faults, I loved the original Transformers and still do, and if its unfortunate sequel hadn’t removed all the awesome elements of the first movie and amplified all the terrible parts, I probably would’ve loved Revenge just as much.)